I thought I was going to start a "thing" where I would put words down to encourage myself to be more positive about life in general and how I felt about myself. Something I read online... As it were, I am having a difficult time trying to be positive.
I have a good life. I have a wonderful family and a few people I can truly call my friends. My children are healthy happy and doing very well in their lives. I am proud of all three of them. My husband works very hard to provide for us and is very good at what he does. So then why am I so dissatisfied with my existence? What the hell?!?!? I get so frustrated with little things.
Take for instance tonight, I am trying to arrange my pillows. MY PILLOWS. I don't have mine. My husband does. I am almost in panic mode and at the brink of tears because I feel like they are my personal pieces of property. They are just pillows but I get so attached and used to things being a certain way that when they are out of order, I freak! Why?!?!?! The pillows are just the tip of the iceberg.
It's EVERYTHING. The house, the car, the garage. Things out of order, people not helping aound the house. I feel so out of sorts and I have no idea how to make it better.
Someone told me recently that I need to make a choice, and that choice being my relationships or my need for order and cleanliness. What the hell is wrong with me? I have progressively gotten worse with the mess thing. I hate piles, dust, dog hair, dogs, birds that my neighbors seem to have flocking to their house because they have a 20 pound block of effing food in the front yard, yippee damn dogs that never shut up, loud peoples voices when they talk. The list just goes on for miles. I want to chose my relationships but the need for order and cleanliness is just so strong, that it is taking over and I feel like I would rather live my life alone rather than have to deal with picking up everyone's shit and not having any organization. I am being a freak and I don't know what to do to make it stop.
I let the littlest things take over and send me into an anxiety attack or I get to angry I cry. Instead of throwing things or yelling, I bottle it up and implode...I have such a hard time letting how I really feel come out. I hide my sadness and anger until it just breaks the wall I have built up. and then, all I do is cry and not talk.
Im afraid what I say is going to hurt the person I am angry with so I conform or clam up. It SUCKS.